I set my DVR and will be watching closely. I hope she'll try to blame the whole thing on The Firm and stir up some epic drama, but I doubt it. The Windsors just seem to be getting less interesting with every passing year. I mean, getting paid for royal connections... This constitutes a scandal?
Clearly they aren't trying hard enough. I love a good scandal, and I think the British government is really paying them to be entertaining. If they don't screw up, they stop being interesting and people stop caring about them and the point of having them around goes away.
No one's going to travel to the U.K. to see boring people and where they live. Sure, their ancestors were interesting, but that's still true even if the current bunch are kicked off the throne. There's a tightrope they've got to walk. Being flat-out callous and mean (like they were with Diana) will make British subjects dislike them, but being good and moral and not getting into trouble makes them boring. They have to be controversial enough to be interesting, but not to be hated.
I think they're much more likely to be quietly voted out for being a waste of taxpayer money than publicly shamed out of the palace for their multitude of sins. So if they want to keep the monarchy alive (which most of them probably don't, but that's another topic for another day) they need to be a little bad. Here are my suggestions:
1. Prince Harry: Dump Chelsy. She's boring and unlikable. Take up with Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, or Britney Spears. And smoke some pot every now and then.
2. Prince William: Either marry Kate or dump her. A royal wedding will be interesting but a public break up will be even more interesting. If you marry her, you can keep up interest by having kids (but after three people stop caring; why do you think Prince Edward is so boring?). If you break up you can keep up interest by dating someone moderately unsuitable. Maybe a Catholic or someone who's been married before or has kids. Someone you would have trouble marrying, but isn't a famewhore who will make people dislike you. Avoid Michelle McGee and Rielle Hunter types.
3. Prince Charles: Renounce your right to the throne. It will create drama. Say you don't believe in monarchy or something. No one wants you on the throne anyway; you're a rarity with royalty in that you're both controversial and boring.
4. Queen Elizabeth: Divorce Philip. He's racist and offensive and he's probably cheated on you loads of times. Everyone will be on your side, but it will create drama and controversy around the monarchy.
5. Prince Andrew: Admit you were in on Fergie's bribe-taking. And get back with her. Claim you've loved her all along and can't live without her. Also make veiled public statements that the divorce was all your mother's idea.
6. Princess Anne: Find yourself a hot twenty-three-year-old underwear model. You know, like Madonna did. Also get some really bad plastic surgery and then vigorously deny you've had work done.
And all of you need to start dressing better. Call Lady Gaga for some tips.
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